A DAY IN THE LIFE OF LADYSAM

I am having the hardest time getting out of this stupid rut. I have been in the most awful funk since winter began. I have lost all of my umph for keeping up with my "Self Improvement Tour". I am not motivated, I have a terrible attitude and it feels like I gave up. I know that the whole school situation with Matthew had a terrible effect on me. It drop kicked my confidence in myself. I have talked with my husband about it, and it is strange that it didn't affect me the same way it affected him. For some reason, I took it personally, and on a very deep level (who wouldn't when you sit in 19 meetings being told that you were a terrible parent and didn't have your child's best interest at heart). Not kidding either. I am trying to climb this hill and I feel like just when I am about to make it to the top, it grows and I am just short of making it. I hate this place that I am emotionally and spiritually. I don't even understand it. I know there are people out there in WAY worse situations, but what is my problem? Why cant I just get over it? He is so much happier now, and there is much less stress on our family now. I think it has something to do with the way he was treated, how people think it is OK to treat others like this, especially those who are disabled. I think it actually cracked my heart, and that is what isn't mended, because I can see that this will ALWAYS be the case for him. This is the part of Asperger's that will always be with him, and truly, it KILLS me to know that there are people out there all too willing to take advantage. This has really been on my mind quite a bit lately, and I just cant seem to get myself passed this. :O( Sorry for the pity party. I AM happy. Really, I am but inside I am still struggling with stuff.

Graduation is coming in a month. I am really nervous about the walk (for the diploma) I HATE being center of attention. I know it is a necessary evil though. I am nearing the end of these two classes. I HATE these online courses. They are so disorganized, and I have the same instructor for both, she also happens to be my advisor and it is really hard catching up with her to get the gist of what needs to be done. I am finding that the older I get, (which I get older next month) the more I want to just get things done, and not let things sit idle. It isn't a quality I like because I can see that I irritate others. In fact, I know my instructors will all be glad to see me OUTTA THERE! :O)

My dad has been ill and in the hospital this week. He had pancratitis and found the cause actually came from an old gallbladder surgery. Things were piling up inside as sludge, not draining so they had to clean all that out and snip a muscle so things could flow through better. Poor guy was MISERABLE. My MIL also had gallbladder surgery on Monday. What a week!